As many of you already know, yesterday turned from being one of the best days of our family's life to one of the worst. My cousin Raychel got the call yesterday that her double lung transplant was finally going to happen. Surgery was scheduled, family was ready, our prayer networks were set in motion. Then the surgeon noticed something was wrong with the donor lungs, and he made the tough call to not proceed. While we are all thankful that Raychel didn't receive broken lungs, it was crushing. So of course, we all kept praying. But for me, my prayers were a little bit different.
This was the closest I have ever come to being outright angry with God. I told Him I didn't understand what the point of this was. We were okay waiting for the call. We didn't have lungs yet, but we were hopeful they were coming in God's time. Why did He have to get our hopes up only to crush them and then let us all wait in a new kind of agony? It felt like someone I loved had died, and I could only imagine how much more painful it was to Raychel, Bryson, her son, parents, and siblings. It felt like Raychel and our family had suffered enough so, why did this have to make it worse? Why couldn't we get the lungs?
With all these questions in mind, and feeling a sense of injustice, I prayed demanding God to fix it. I'm a fixer, that's how my personality works. It's why my homework has to be done two weeks early, why I have to meticulously plan my week, and why when something goes wrong, I have to plot a solution in response. Except, I can't really fix a lung transplant. But God can. And even though I was devastated, I knew God had the power to fix Raychel's lungs and send a new donor whenever He wants. I ignored the part about what God wants. Instead, I got down on my knees and told God to fix it all by tomorrow. I even tried to convince Him by looking at the crucifix and reminding Him that He suffocated on the cross, so He knew exactly how Raychel felt, so why would He let her suffer that way any longer? Please, let another phone call come right now.
I also had another idea of how God's plan might be working. I pray every day for Raychel's health and that she will get a donor soon, but I also pray for a miracle. Like a really crazy big miracle. Blessed Stanley Rother is one miracle away from being the first saint from Oklahoma, so ever since his beautification, I've been asking his intercession for the complete healing of Raychel's lungs. Crazy, I know, but I also know it's not beyond the power of God if it be His will. To be clear, I would be just as thrilled with a donor to show up right now, but I thought I might as well open every possible door I could think of for God to walk through. So last night, when I was struggling with the why of yesterday, I thought that maybe the reason was because God had picked out Raychel's lungs for Raychel. Maybe He was going to restore them and make them work better than they ever had before. So I told God if that was His plan, there was really no reason to make us wait for that anymore, just do it. I don't think I was that demanding, I'm sure there were a few pleases in there, but I still wanted my plan for this to work.
Then it was time for my Holy Hour in front of the Eucharist. I take an hour to pray every Thursday night at school during our all night Adoration. It's a time when we get to sit in front of the very presence of God and send up prayers to Him face to face. I had planned on spending that hour praying for the doctors, nurses, Raychel, the donor, and the rest of the family, but of course, I went there asking for a solution instead. And of course, that's when God stepped in and answered me. I did get the sense that this could all be gone by the time I woke up this morning. I got the sense that the big miracle could happen. But God also spoke to my heart and told me that it might take more than a day. Perhaps it could take three days, just like Jesus' stay in the tomb. It could be more than that, it could be less. But it would happen. And it would happen when God saw fit. And He asked me to trust Him. And I said yes. And that's when I felt a lot better. Maybe that was the moment I got the faith the size of the mustard seed - little but the right kind.
I tell this story, partly to make sense of the events of yesterday, and partly to share this message with everyone else. God really is powerful and loving and good. I never doubted that yesterday, but it definitely was hard to make sense of when it seemed like He wanted us to all be sad. But I do know that heartbreak is good sometimes, because it draws us to God. I probably had one of the best Holy Hours ever yesterday, and one of the most prayerful days as a whole in a long time. Even though I didn't get what I wanted, God made something good happen. He made our family draw even closer together and is letting us fight this together. The power of the Eucharist is also incredible. It's amazing what God's tangible presence will do and speak to your heart. So I thank God for yesterday. For the hope that He gave us and the lessons He taught us, even though it was really hard.
He also told me in Adoration last night, that He had to give us lungs that were good enough for Raychel, his daughter. And while that didn't give them to her right then, it did make me feel a little better knowing that God had picked out the perfect pair of lungs that will work just how He wants them to, no matter how He decides to do that.
I still feel like it's coming soon. I have hope that one of the miracles I prayed for last night will happen. My cousin will be able to breathe again. She'll be able to enjoy life, chase her son around, and take a walk in the park.
Christ's presence is truly amazing, and He humbled me yesterday before Him. I definitely needed that, so I am beyond thankful for what He has done. And I am thankful that He is the planner, because I certainly could not do as good a job.
This was the closest I have ever come to being outright angry with God. I told Him I didn't understand what the point of this was. We were okay waiting for the call. We didn't have lungs yet, but we were hopeful they were coming in God's time. Why did He have to get our hopes up only to crush them and then let us all wait in a new kind of agony? It felt like someone I loved had died, and I could only imagine how much more painful it was to Raychel, Bryson, her son, parents, and siblings. It felt like Raychel and our family had suffered enough so, why did this have to make it worse? Why couldn't we get the lungs?
With all these questions in mind, and feeling a sense of injustice, I prayed demanding God to fix it. I'm a fixer, that's how my personality works. It's why my homework has to be done two weeks early, why I have to meticulously plan my week, and why when something goes wrong, I have to plot a solution in response. Except, I can't really fix a lung transplant. But God can. And even though I was devastated, I knew God had the power to fix Raychel's lungs and send a new donor whenever He wants. I ignored the part about what God wants. Instead, I got down on my knees and told God to fix it all by tomorrow. I even tried to convince Him by looking at the crucifix and reminding Him that He suffocated on the cross, so He knew exactly how Raychel felt, so why would He let her suffer that way any longer? Please, let another phone call come right now.
I also had another idea of how God's plan might be working. I pray every day for Raychel's health and that she will get a donor soon, but I also pray for a miracle. Like a really crazy big miracle. Blessed Stanley Rother is one miracle away from being the first saint from Oklahoma, so ever since his beautification, I've been asking his intercession for the complete healing of Raychel's lungs. Crazy, I know, but I also know it's not beyond the power of God if it be His will. To be clear, I would be just as thrilled with a donor to show up right now, but I thought I might as well open every possible door I could think of for God to walk through. So last night, when I was struggling with the why of yesterday, I thought that maybe the reason was because God had picked out Raychel's lungs for Raychel. Maybe He was going to restore them and make them work better than they ever had before. So I told God if that was His plan, there was really no reason to make us wait for that anymore, just do it. I don't think I was that demanding, I'm sure there were a few pleases in there, but I still wanted my plan for this to work.
Then it was time for my Holy Hour in front of the Eucharist. I take an hour to pray every Thursday night at school during our all night Adoration. It's a time when we get to sit in front of the very presence of God and send up prayers to Him face to face. I had planned on spending that hour praying for the doctors, nurses, Raychel, the donor, and the rest of the family, but of course, I went there asking for a solution instead. And of course, that's when God stepped in and answered me. I did get the sense that this could all be gone by the time I woke up this morning. I got the sense that the big miracle could happen. But God also spoke to my heart and told me that it might take more than a day. Perhaps it could take three days, just like Jesus' stay in the tomb. It could be more than that, it could be less. But it would happen. And it would happen when God saw fit. And He asked me to trust Him. And I said yes. And that's when I felt a lot better. Maybe that was the moment I got the faith the size of the mustard seed - little but the right kind.
I tell this story, partly to make sense of the events of yesterday, and partly to share this message with everyone else. God really is powerful and loving and good. I never doubted that yesterday, but it definitely was hard to make sense of when it seemed like He wanted us to all be sad. But I do know that heartbreak is good sometimes, because it draws us to God. I probably had one of the best Holy Hours ever yesterday, and one of the most prayerful days as a whole in a long time. Even though I didn't get what I wanted, God made something good happen. He made our family draw even closer together and is letting us fight this together. The power of the Eucharist is also incredible. It's amazing what God's tangible presence will do and speak to your heart. So I thank God for yesterday. For the hope that He gave us and the lessons He taught us, even though it was really hard.
He also told me in Adoration last night, that He had to give us lungs that were good enough for Raychel, his daughter. And while that didn't give them to her right then, it did make me feel a little better knowing that God had picked out the perfect pair of lungs that will work just how He wants them to, no matter how He decides to do that.
I still feel like it's coming soon. I have hope that one of the miracles I prayed for last night will happen. My cousin will be able to breathe again. She'll be able to enjoy life, chase her son around, and take a walk in the park.
Christ's presence is truly amazing, and He humbled me yesterday before Him. I definitely needed that, so I am beyond thankful for what He has done. And I am thankful that He is the planner, because I certainly could not do as good a job.
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